Letters for a Lighter November
Thoughts, practical ideas and weekend writing prompts to make the darker days a little easier.
Closing Loops
On Monday, we looked at that feeling of the day being almost over before we’ve finished with it. On Wednesday, the negotiations our minds get us involved in before we can even contemplate leaving the house.
But what about when we do stay home? We’ve got the comfies on, nowhere we need to be, nothing particularly urgent to do. This is what we wanted. So why aren’t we enjoying it?
Our body’s tired, but our head has apparently been waiting for this opportunity, and off it goes: maybe I should do that thing I’ve been avoiding; if I just vacuum now it’s done; should I make the most of this time and finish that work thing…
Layer that on top of what am I missing, will they ever ask me again, I wish I’d gone now, and eventually you go to bed, having spent an evening supposedly resting, and now we don’t feel rested at all.
What’s happening in the brain and body?
Being tired and being ready to power down for the night aren’t always the same thing. We can need sleep while still feeling mentally wired or worried. Stress can make falling asleep harder, or set off the wake-up alarm at 3am again, however exhausted we are.
Stopping an activity doesn’t automatically stop the thinking that went with it either. We’ve finished working, but we’re still rehearsing or examining something that really could wait. We’ve put our phone down, but we’re still comparing our life with something we saw on it that looked more like the one we want.
With longer evenings indoors, there can be more opportunity to notice all this. The quiet hasn’t necessarily created the thoughts: sometimes it’s simply the first chance they’ve had to be heard loud and clear. We know this: things get really loud inside when outside is quieter. Hence 3am.
Post-it notes written to our brain don’t always cut it…
And psychologically?
Sometimes we sit down with an expectation: right, I’ve stopped now, time to wind down. I should feel better.
Then we start fidgeting. Am I relaxed yet? Why am I still tense? Am I wasting my evening? Should I be doing something more useful? Rest becomes another thing we’re trying to get right. Great.
There can be guilt, too. The feeling that we haven’t done enough to deserve stopping, even when we’re too tired to do anything well. Or we keep ourselves occupied because being busy feels easier than being alone with whatever we’re feeling.
It helps to notice the difference between thinking something through and going round it again on our familiar perpetual loop without actually coming to a conclusion. Has anything become clearer? At all? Is there a decision, a next step, a different understanding? Or have you arrived back at the same question, feeling worse?
More time spent thinking doesn’t always bring more understanding. One thing I’ve noticed is that open loops cause the anxiety and restlessness that gets in my way: Have I actually decided anything? Why not?
Making decisions is hard because we’re scared we’re about to make the wrong one: I could have, I should have… We’ve lost trust in ourselves.
Self-trust is a habit, something you re-learn. We start by making one decision and seeing what comes of it, knowing that we can cope with, manage, work through, whatever the result is.
Make a decision…no matter the outcome.