30 Days of No: Why Rejection Hurts

What would happen if you asked for the things that you expect to hear “no” to? Should be easy, right?

Not the easy things you’re know you’re not entitled to, things not earned and even things you actually aren’t that bothered about?  What if you had to ask for something that feels huge from someone you admire – something you don’t feel you deserve and that feel like a reeeaaach. But want. Ooh, hello vulnerability.

That’s the question I’m sitting with right now, a week into a 30-day rejection challenge. It’s an experiment in asking for what I want, knowing full well the answer might be no.  Infact, we’re supposed to go in with the mindset that it’s an no.

And I’m recording my responses live on fb every day so you can see just how normal it is to have all sorts of sore spots poked by rejection.

I’m not trying to catch people out or make them uncomfortable – although I realise some may feel that way. And it’s not about recklessness either – because many of the things, I’d actually quite like / love / dream about!

***

So it’s about building courage and de-sensitising the nervous system to fear.  And in the process I’m getting clear about what rejection really means.

Because here’s what I’ve noticed so far: rejection is rarely about what just happened. It’s about what it touches: the buried stuff.

Underneath Rejection: What It Really Means to Me.

Spoiler alert: logic doesn’t match emotional / physical reaction.  Your frontal cortex cares not for the emotions trapped in your gut or your heart. Mean.

On Day 1, I asked for a spot  on a sold-out event. Of course it was a NO. My brain said ‘cool, no worries’ (because my brain is a chill gal). But my body? My body remembered the gut-punch.  And it dragged my clever brain down to it’s hurt level – he doesn’t want me (how can he not like me, we haven’t met yet?), the system doesn’t want me (bloody systems, so unfeeling), and the universe doesn’t want me there (Why? What did I do wrong?!!!)

... oh no, there’s a lesson incoming!  And there was. The chance to process the difference between fact and emotional reaction, and turn it into a thought-out response, and let that hurt go.

Day 2 was a bit odd.  I got my two asks, just not what I expected.  My expectation were the ‘ideal’ response – the ones I built up in my head as the ‘correct’ answers. The gut-punch was that they had no time for me, didn’t appreciate me. The logic said, well, maybe they don’t have time.  Maybe they’re actually unsure how to respond so gave me what they could.  Brain looked at the possibilities and gave guts a hug.  All ok.

By Day 3, I met my own fierce independence; the kind that says, ‘Don’t ask. You’ll only be disappointed.’  A lifetime of let-downs has taught some of us that we’re safest when we need nothing. Don’t ask – you’re not worthy. But that fear-dressed-up-as-safety comes at a cost: connection, possibilities, progress.

And their responses? Utter enthusiasm.  One responded to within minutes, one promised – and that’s good enough because I know they’d like to help.  And here’s the thing: most people are lovely, kind and giving.  Most people want to help, when they can.

Don’t ask, don’t get isn’t just a flippant quip – it’s true. 

Flip it, focus on them:  if we don’t ask, we’re denying someone the joy of giving.  So henceforth, I’d like to think I will be giving others the chance to be my hero. 😉

On Day 4, I felt ignored. Not explicitly rejected, but my message was left unread. And it stung a little, even though I know this person works, and probably has people doing his SM. That old story: if I’m not immediately acknowledged, I’m invisible – not worthy of acknowledgment.  But actually it was good to be brave enough to make that personal connection – because that’s fundamentally what business is about right? Relationships build trust.

I’m now on Day 10-ish.

The live’s I’m doing unpack these, and goodness-knows-what-other themes will pop up. Not to vent, but to offer insight — for anyone who’s ever:

• Avoided asking so they wouldn’t feel needy, rude or greedy.

• Said ‘it’s fine’ while quietly hoping for more.

• Taken a no as a verdict on their worth – that’s a biggie.

• Learned to silence their dreams rather than risk disappointment.

What if we stopped seeing rejection as failure and started seeing it for what it actually is:  feedback and resilience training?

What if asking, in and of itself, is an act of bravery worth celebrating?

I started this on June 16th: here’s the first post - https://www.facebook.com/share/v/19H8rGrtnP/ . There’s one every day for 30 days.